Sipping From the Glass of Consciousness

Are you Excited?

I like to watch people’s reaction when I tell them about my plan to join the Peace Corps.  If they are American, they have usually heard about it and their reaction includes a sense of wonderment.  If they are from another country, I usually go into an explanation about what it is.

The next question is usually “When do you leave?” 

When I said September 2014 back in December 2013 I always felt a twinge of anxiety because the date felt so far away and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself in the meantime.  Now, I feel better about saying the date.  It seems like most people think that you can join the Peace Corps and leave the next month.  In reality, it usually takes much longer.  I started my application February 2012.

Next question:  “How long will you be gone?”

The answer of 27 months is usually followed by one of two reactions.  Either, “Oh my gosh…that’s such a long time!”  Or, “Ya, that sounds about right.  You might want to stay longer.”

I feel like those people who have maybe done something similar, or traveled the world tend to think that it is not a super long period of time.  Many of the people who are surprised at how long I will be abroad might not think that two years is a crazy amount of time, just a crazy amount of time to be living in a third world country away from family and friends.  I use the word “crazy” in a good way here.  I have learned to embrace that words like “crazy” are simply a reflection of the person’s perspective.  What is “crazy” to one person could be completely normal and valid to someone else so the word alone holds no ultimate truth as a state of being.  

The next question seems to come up quite often as well…

“Are you excited?” 

“Ya, I guess.  I’m pretty excited…but that’s just part of it really.”

I sometimes compare emotions to drinking wine.  There is the flavor that you first taste, followed by the body, and ending with a finishing taste.  Many flavors can be tasted within seconds and it’s sometimes hard to separate them out and define them.  If thinking about my Peace Corps plans was like drinking a glass of wine I would probably first taste a feeling of openness.  The kind of feeling you get when your friend might take you somewhere that they say is really awesome, but you have never been there before so you go because you trust your friend.  

The next flavor of feeling is one of fear. Now fear gets a bad rap sometimes.  To me fear is a mechanism of my reptilian mind that simply means I need to call attention inward and evaluate a situation.  Being a feeler more than a thinker, this sometimes involves interacting with the fearful thing as part of my evaluation.  After internalizing a situation, I am able to decide whether to proceed or not.  Once I have made my choice I tend to be pretty stubborn and relentless in my pursuit.  It has worked well for me so far and although I am glad I have fear, I try to stay open minded enough to let in different ways of thinking about things.  

“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

The next taste would be one of love.  The word love can have so many meanings, but in this sense it means acceptance, respect, and reverence.  It also includes self love.  Although I have not met the family I will be living with I already love them.  I have accepted them and respect their culture and values.  I expect there to be rules that I will need to follow that my feminist side may have trouble with, but I have made the choice to integrate into their lifestyle, so I will.  I love the people of Nepal for simply allowing me to be there and spend time with them.  It is a huge honor to be invited into someone’s home for two years and I lam grateful for the opportunity.  

The taste of love would probably be mixed with a sense of empowerment.  Eventually, I hope to be able to give back to my community by creating a ripple effect of educating people about nutrition, health and sanitation.  The projects I will focus on first will be the ones of most concern to the people in my community because those are the ones that will succeed.  

In the words of Henry Ford:

“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.”

Only after tasting the initial flavors of this glass of wine would I arrive at the finishing taste of excitement.  Excitement, however, can be over-bearing and just a little is enough to make the overall amplitude of flavor just right.  Too much and I would miss out on what is right in front of me.  It’s there, but the other flavors keep it in check allowing for an overall colorful, dynamic tasting glass of Peace Corps preparation and visualizing.

Here’s to the moment.  Cheers!

Already There

Back in February, I had a friend of mine invite me to a photo shoot he was doing for a lady who was a professional life coach.  A group of 5 women including me, met at a fancy hotel near the airport.  We chatted about life and our various walks of it.  Then the photo shoot began.  My friend gave us different posing ideas such as standing around in a circle and chatting, flocking down the hallway in a “V” shape towards the camera, and sitting on a couch giving high fives to the life coach as she walked by.  To make things more real, the life coach started asking us stimulating questions about our own life that challenged us to dig down deep and give genuine responses while all the while being aware of our facial expressions.  Being a camera shy person I kept wondering what my face looked like when I wasn’t trying to pose.  Don’t look sad, I thought- Unless I was purposefully attempting to look empathetic.  The fear of vulnerability prevented me from allowing genuine emotions to surface.  I remembered what it was like back in the days of working the “Pet’s Rule!” show at Sea World and being told that my acting was a little too forced.

One topic of conversation that the life coach posed was asking us what we really wanted in our life right then.  What was one thing that we would ask for if a Jeanie came out of a bottle right before our eyes told us our wish would be granted?  

Immediately when she asked the question I knew my answer.  One of the biggest mottos of the Peace Corps is being flexible, but I had my heart set on going to Nepal.  It was the country I had chosen back in November and I was volunteering a significant amount of time with Food Share educating people about healthy nutrition just to prove to them (and myself) that I was qualified for the job.  If I got moved to a different program or worse yet, not be able to go anywhere, it would be devastating.  

“I want a car” Said another friend of mine.

“I want my book to be a top seller” Said another.

“I want to be cleared to go to Nepal with the Peace Corps in September” I said.

She looked me in the eyes and said with matter of fact certainty,

“You’re already there”.

To someone else that might sound like a funny thing to say.  How could I possibly be there when I was clearly in LA?  However, I was impressed by her intuition and felt like somehow she knew me better in that moment than anyone else.  She had put into words what I had been feeling for months now.  Although my body was still in California, my mind and heart was in Nepal.  Since the day I was nominated I had been imagining what it would be like there physically, emotionally, logistically, financially.  Each time I volunteered was like practice for my work abroad.  I had already let my employer know about my plans, talked with loved ones about what communication will be like, and mentally prepared myself for the journey.  

I wished that I could bend time so that what I could make a reality out of what I was already feeling inside.  

But I was still in Los Angeles and I knew I needed a way to stay connected to the present.  I had already been told that I should not go abroad with too many expectations about what my living situation will be like so that I wouldn’t get disappointed.  Therefore, spending too much time thinking about the future did not make much sense.  

I decided to join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class to help center myself and tap into a community locally.  It was the best choice I had made all year.  The Peace Corps doesn’t give people much in the way of self defense training from what I heard, so it was great to develop the confidence that I could handle situations should they come up.  It was also a great work out and the instructors were very encouraging of me and my goals.  I began to look forward to getting “smashed” into the mat by fellow classmates on a regular basis.  I was impressed by the intricate details involved in fighting well.  Experienced fighters were always in control by anticipating your moves and setting you up for others.  Although I ultimately prefer the more peaceful art of yoga and meditation, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was a great balance to that.  With each class I found myself more deeply connected and awake to my own mind and body as well as others.

Then it happened.  April 17, 2014 I was officially invited to serve in Nepal as a Health Volunteer.  When I read the email I lost control and started screaming and flailing about like someone had electrocuted me.  This went on for a good couple minutes as Daniel sat by watching the scene.  After calming down a little I gave him a hug and asked why he wasn’t jumping up and dancing around too.  He said he had considered it, but he wasn’t sure it was safe with all the spontaneous body movements going on.  As I sat down my hands were still sweaty and shaky.  It was happening.  

From then on the whole thing became more real as I started setting up doctors appointments, writing statements of intent, learning the language, and doing safety training online.  It was nice to feel like I was not just waiting around anymore.  I was placing the building blocks and I was in the driver seat.  Empowered and inspired, I had a clear goal and knew that it would not be long until I was in fact…there.