Already There

Back in February, I had a friend of mine invite me to a photo shoot he was doing for a lady who was a professional life coach.  A group of 5 women including me, met at a fancy hotel near the airport.  We chatted about life and our various walks of it.  Then the photo shoot began.  My friend gave us different posing ideas such as standing around in a circle and chatting, flocking down the hallway in a “V” shape towards the camera, and sitting on a couch giving high fives to the life coach as she walked by.  To make things more real, the life coach started asking us stimulating questions about our own life that challenged us to dig down deep and give genuine responses while all the while being aware of our facial expressions.  Being a camera shy person I kept wondering what my face looked like when I wasn’t trying to pose.  Don’t look sad, I thought- Unless I was purposefully attempting to look empathetic.  The fear of vulnerability prevented me from allowing genuine emotions to surface.  I remembered what it was like back in the days of working the “Pet’s Rule!” show at Sea World and being told that my acting was a little too forced.

One topic of conversation that the life coach posed was asking us what we really wanted in our life right then.  What was one thing that we would ask for if a Jeanie came out of a bottle right before our eyes told us our wish would be granted?  

Immediately when she asked the question I knew my answer.  One of the biggest mottos of the Peace Corps is being flexible, but I had my heart set on going to Nepal.  It was the country I had chosen back in November and I was volunteering a significant amount of time with Food Share educating people about healthy nutrition just to prove to them (and myself) that I was qualified for the job.  If I got moved to a different program or worse yet, not be able to go anywhere, it would be devastating.  

“I want a car” Said another friend of mine.

“I want my book to be a top seller” Said another.

“I want to be cleared to go to Nepal with the Peace Corps in September” I said.

She looked me in the eyes and said with matter of fact certainty,

“You’re already there”.

To someone else that might sound like a funny thing to say.  How could I possibly be there when I was clearly in LA?  However, I was impressed by her intuition and felt like somehow she knew me better in that moment than anyone else.  She had put into words what I had been feeling for months now.  Although my body was still in California, my mind and heart was in Nepal.  Since the day I was nominated I had been imagining what it would be like there physically, emotionally, logistically, financially.  Each time I volunteered was like practice for my work abroad.  I had already let my employer know about my plans, talked with loved ones about what communication will be like, and mentally prepared myself for the journey.  

I wished that I could bend time so that what I could make a reality out of what I was already feeling inside.  

But I was still in Los Angeles and I knew I needed a way to stay connected to the present.  I had already been told that I should not go abroad with too many expectations about what my living situation will be like so that I wouldn’t get disappointed.  Therefore, spending too much time thinking about the future did not make much sense.  

I decided to join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class to help center myself and tap into a community locally.  It was the best choice I had made all year.  The Peace Corps doesn’t give people much in the way of self defense training from what I heard, so it was great to develop the confidence that I could handle situations should they come up.  It was also a great work out and the instructors were very encouraging of me and my goals.  I began to look forward to getting “smashed” into the mat by fellow classmates on a regular basis.  I was impressed by the intricate details involved in fighting well.  Experienced fighters were always in control by anticipating your moves and setting you up for others.  Although I ultimately prefer the more peaceful art of yoga and meditation, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was a great balance to that.  With each class I found myself more deeply connected and awake to my own mind and body as well as others.

Then it happened.  April 17, 2014 I was officially invited to serve in Nepal as a Health Volunteer.  When I read the email I lost control and started screaming and flailing about like someone had electrocuted me.  This went on for a good couple minutes as Daniel sat by watching the scene.  After calming down a little I gave him a hug and asked why he wasn’t jumping up and dancing around too.  He said he had considered it, but he wasn’t sure it was safe with all the spontaneous body movements going on.  As I sat down my hands were still sweaty and shaky.  It was happening.  

From then on the whole thing became more real as I started setting up doctors appointments, writing statements of intent, learning the language, and doing safety training online.  It was nice to feel like I was not just waiting around anymore.  I was placing the building blocks and I was in the driver seat.  Empowered and inspired, I had a clear goal and knew that it would not be long until I was in fact…there.