It Was Time to Go...To Goa

I came here to Goa one month ago knowing I needed to do internal work to strengthen my mind and shed myself of the collective ego portion of my brain.  I will always hold Nepal in my heart, but I can’t hold the longing for what is past and I can’t grieve forever.

What I can do is share my story.  When I came from Nepal my ego was full of voices.  Monkeys/noise/purpose/plans/pride…you name it.  I also left with a HUGE feeling of loss.  Loss of never having again what was honestly the best 2 years of my adult life.  I knew having to transition from that was going to be difficult.  I was not focused.  I was distracted, but I’m realizing now at the end of the program that my mind, body and soul is so much stronger, healthier and focused than I was when I left for Peace Corps.  I say focused but I don’t mean on a goal.  Focused on being peaceful; of just being who I am and loving that.

Who I was in Nepal was “Anjali”.  Although I love the name “Sarah” because my parents gave it to me, I have always disliked the fact that I was always one of many many “Sarahs” in any social situation.  The name “Sarah” is a combination of my mom’s initials “SA” (Sally Anderson) and my dad’s initials “RA” (Richard Anderson) and it will always be my given name, but because my experience was so positive in Nepal, I am more proud of and attached to the name “Anjali” now.  I have even considered changing my name officially.  It was given to me by the first Nepali family I lived with and means “hands full”.  

I sobbed during the 1st or second ending of the meditation when we were told to chant our names while walking.  I chose to chant “Anjali”.  As I walked, I could feel my body fight to say the name through the tears.  As I heard myself chanting the name, it felt like an out of body experience.  It was as if I was in the body of every family and friend I had met in Nepal and was trying to call to myself, but unable to because I had left Nepal and was unsure of when I would ever return.  As I was calling to myself, I felt myself disconnecting farther and farther from them.  Luckily, I had the perfect guru/coach to encourage me to let it out.  He was sympathetic and respectful of my situation.  He kept saying “Let them come out.  Let them speak.”  By the 5th day, I was singing my name and getting bored of the drill.  

My heart and mind had strengthened.

Owning my new sense of closure, I threw my mind into the philosophy and meditation classes.  To understand the pronunciation of the Hindi and Sanscrit words better, I was asking the instructor to check my devanagari script handwriting.  Something in my subconscious was telling me I didn’t want to forget the language.  Better yet, I wanted to learn Hindi.  

Hindi is very similar to Nepali, and pretty much all of the youth age 3-20 speak it.  Funny how now as a 32 year old, I consider a 20 year old to be “youth”, but that’s beside the point.   The only way I’ve heard of people learning Hindi is from TV.  Not liking any of the Hindi TV shows that I have seen so far, and having a somewhat deeply rooted anger against India for bullying Nepal after the earthquake by refusing to provide petrol, I proudly admitted to people that 

“No, I don’t speak Hindi.”  

However, being here in in the South of India, and spending time with people who speak not only Hindi, but the local language Konkani, I’ve enjoyed picking up on words here and there that I understand.  I have been spending my evenings at a local restaurant on the beach called the “Mariposa” (Spanish for Butterfly) and have been enjoying listening to Hindi as well as speaking Nepali with the staff.  There are many staff who come here from Nepal to work.  All guys.  Makes me miss my Nepali girlfriends, but hey…guys are funny and entertaining.

I have also discovered that my own entertaining skills have come to very good use.  About a week ago, I was walking by the Mariposa restaurant with my friend and the manager asked if we wanted drinks.  My friend wanted juice and they didn’t have that, but I asked him if I could fire dance that night for a free meal.  He was more than happy to allow me to do that and I enjoyed a cup of tea, studied for my yoga course exam, then enjoyed a fancy table for one with my feet in the sand.  The live music was fun to listen to and I got up and fire danced both before and after my meal of calimari and king prawn.  So delicious.  I had so much fun that I invited some friends from the yoga course to join me later that week on Thanksgiving day for another show.  The manager really enjoys having me around and part of me wishes I didn’t have to leave.

However, the winds of change are calling me home.  I look forward to the holidays and spending time in the arms of my mom and dad once again.  It has been one year and 3 months since seeing my family which is the longest time I think I have ever been away.  I will miss Goa, but something tells me it’s not my last time here.  The spirit of relaxation, combined with a growing yoga culture makes it tempting to return and teach some day.  For now, I am thankful to be returning home with a 200 hour yoga teacher training certificate, a clear mind, open heart, and cast iron soul.

How to climb a tree in Goa...with a harness and metal stand that you inch up the tree.

The food was very similar to what I ate in Nepal every day.

Me practicing by teaching the teacher

My guru Jagjeet Sing

The Words that Come When I Have Nowhere to Run

This Little Light of Mine

The mind that believes the truth is blind
Open your soul and you will feel the sublime.
Take in the sights and smells and breeze.
The world can feel like one big tease.
If you are aware of the past, but can stay in the now.
You'll realize that truth lies below the brow.
Below the thoughts and words and sights.
Let it come out
The world needs to see your lights.

Slave to the Self

The slave of another can be free in the mind.
They are not wanting, or needing.
They can have freedom of focus and peace.
But sometimes it takes a little elbow grease.
Who is the master?
Show me the woman/man
who walks their path with an open plan.
Open to change; they do not attach upon.
Absent of the ego; the mind is calm.
Above all it's known there is always something going on
In the mind, or body, or earth, or space.
For this there is a time
For that there is a place.
I hope we can walk together in this snail race
Because I want to leap, I want to skip, but without you
I loose my grip.
On what it is to be human
and...
me?
Of this, I feel, we all agree.

What the Heart Hides

200 hours to love
200 hours to heal the heart
A bandaid was not enough
It had to be broken, then torn apart
To really find out what was hidden inside
Underneath layers of ego and pain
Was a seed of passion I could not tame
Passion for adventure, knowledge and the new
I planted that seed, and watched as it grew
Growing as a flower stretches toward the sun
My life burst forth
It had nowhere to run.
I am home now inside this heart
And of this I know...
I am always at the start.

Midnight Dreams

Nothingness can be scary.  The idea of being alone.  Of not fitting in.  Of isolation.  The mind thinks it needs “noise”.  If someone comes from a family where they always had people around, the emptiness can be unsettling.  Emptiness of the mind.  Emptiness of the physical luxuries.  If isolated in the jungle, some lash out and destroy the harmless ants, animals, trees, and humans around them because they don’t trust the earth.  

They 

are 

vulnerable.  

People don’t believe that vulnerability is a strength.  Some predators take advantage of vulnerability.  In our day and age, men are conditioned to be predators.  To take if they think the person wants to be taken.  Sharing a cup of tea that was never offered.  What they don’t know is that it harms themselves in the end.  They are the fearful ones.  The scared, the one who is too weak to deal with internal demons alone.  

In a loving environment, a baby bird fallen from the tree gets saved.  The plant with no water gets rain.  The mother with no children gives birth.  Life is created and people aren’t afraid of death.  Death is just change.  Rebirth.  What in our subconscious helps that change be realized?  Hope.  Hope dies with layers of noise.  Layers of people and mazes and puzzles saying:

“That’s not possible.  That’s not what the scientist, doctor, God, mother, father wants;  therefore it is wrong.”

That scientist/doctor/God/mother/father needs validation.  Whether it be money, prayers, devotion.  You feel guilty and shamed not giving them that.  If you don’t, then everything you knew is wrong.  Flipped.  Questioned.  

Vulnerable. 

But what if that chain of doubt and fear is reversed?  What if we saved that baby bird?  Gave that tree/bird/child/mother/father/people/country hope?  The present moment is the death of the past and the beginning of a new.  Resurrect your dreams, share the tea…but do it in peace and love.  Do it without reservation.  Do it with strength.  It’s your choice. 

The Waves of Transition

The Transition

As I stand on the shore of a new chapter in my life, I have been reflecting, lamenting, and visioning my past life in Nepal and the new path I will walk.  It has been a truly eye opening journey the past few weeks here in Goa, India on the shores of the beautiful Agonda beach.  I have had the privilege of time to see my life's dreams clearly and what I see I am liking more and more.  

Here are some poems that I have been writing here:

The Temples We Seek

We all seek to follow rules and are fearful of the breaking
Our temples made of walls create a safe place to be absolved of sin.
When the bubble breaks and our temple falls we feel sad.
Do not mourn the image of perfection.
The perfection exists in rebirth and change.

Youthful Dance of Love


Paradise is something you think in your head.Maybe brought to you by a book you read?
As a child, you danced and set that dream free.
Joyfully believing that someday it would just be.
Then people and places and noise from the ground came rushing to your toes.
You dance around them and try to stay calm.
Your life you hold in the center of your palm.
Look at your palm and see the love it receives.
You know, you know and everyone agrees...
That love is not love unless it is shared.
Choose wisely my friend and do not be scared.


The Sound of My Heart Upon the Shore

Our bodies crash with the beat of our heart like waves upon the shore

Coliding, combining, evermore… evermore

My soul is dry as sand without your wave to beat my heart

Crash and beat… then fall apart

The day my heart is set free the waters are calm

No pain of the beat, your wave rushed upon

my shore with her shells and her stars and her trash

Please let my heart beat like a shore with no crash

You think you are helping the beat of my life

But I want calm waters 

With little to no strife

So lay yourself down upon this heart I uphold

Lie over me softly; my life I unfold